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I love junk
mail as much as any one can. All the things I get constantly amuse me. Take
this huge pile on my desk – please take this huge pile. I can refinance my
home with four different companies – even thought I rent an apartment and
the only thing I own is a truck. I can take classes to learn everything from
lock smithing (could be handy for when I launch my criminal career) to gun
smithing (hummmm may even be handier for that criminal career) to computer
repair and home inspection. I can improve my love life by taking little
pills (wonder if they have one that will give me a love life) and I cam
improve my golf swing by watching a video (will it help my putt-putt
scores). From one company I can buy eighty zillion dollars in life insurance
for only five cents or I can get coverage for unborn children by simply
sending them a sample of my breath. But since I have another envelope her
that says I have just won a shopping spree through Fort Knox I don’t need
insurance. And I can drive to Kentucky for my windfall in one of the eight
vehicles I can win if my key fits. Which I can save 14% in insuring with
these seven insurance companies envelopes (If I keep calling each of them do
they eventually have to pay me to insure my car?) But why do I need a car
when this flier shows me how to build a fully functional helicopter out of
paper clips and toilet paper. All the tools I need for construction I can
select from one of the five tool catalogues that offer free delivery if I
call them with a credit card number within fourteen seconds of touching the
paper (I wonder how they know when I touch it). Credit card numbers will be
easy to come by since I have offers from 47 different companies giving me
unlimited credit on platinum cards. Which will come in handy when I start my
own home business where people will throw money at me for just getting out
of bed at three in the afternoon. And that bed will be comfortable since
this pamphlet tells me all about the bed they will send me for a thirty day
test. Extremely lazy rocket scientist that kept getting bedsores before a
shuttle launch developed the mattress. It shows a picture of a mattress
being smashed by Sumo wrestlers driving steamrollers and sustaining no
damage. No word on what happened to the guy lying on the mattress during the
experiment. I am not sure if I need it though because my bedroom is a low
steamroller traffic area. I shouldn’t be able to damage the thing with my
weight even if I use the multitude recipes and coupons I received for food
that I have never tried (who cooks with Campbell’s cream of Yak anyhow).
Although I won't gain any weight because I can shed pounds just by taking
these pills while strapped to this machine that will electrocute me into a
Schwarzeneggeresque physique with no more effort expended that plugging it
in to the wall socket.
Yes, life is good. I have every thing well in hand here. It says so right
here in this mailer from the health store that is stuck to the pizza
coupons. Now I am going to check my email. Last time there was a offer on
Russian mail order brides. I wonder how they ship them. I hope a flat rate
is used instead of a per pound. Maybe I should select a really little one. |